Приколы и анекдоты

[na minutku]

Травка зеленеет,
солнышко блестит,
ласточка с испугу
в сени к нам летит.
Глупая пичуга,
ты сошла с ума.
Рухнула ты с дуба?
На дворе – зима!
Заметет пороша,
вот тогда пришла
в платье из метели
к нам весна бела.
Вот лежит крестьянин,
он погоде рад.
Пьяный вдрызг на санках
торжествует, гад.
Притомился, видно,
обновляя путь.
Ласточке ж в метаньях
некогда заснуть.
Ей в начале лета
снова прилетать -
на югах своим-то
нечего клевать.
Роща золотая
кончила базар.
Это значит – осень?
Или нет? Кошмар!
Снова колокольчик
Рождества звенит -
травка зеленеет,
солнышко блестит.
Ласточка в транзитах
двинулась умом.
Жалко, братцы, птичку,
и до слез притом.
В жутких непонятках
корчится поэт:
нет плохой погоды
у природы, нет!
Белые халаты,
красные кресты.
Подожди немного,
отдохнешь и ты.

Na minutju добавил(а) [date]1169153915[/date]:
а это вот воткну на англицком - времени нет перевести..... может, поможет кто?

Photographing a new puppy isn't as easy as it may first sound...

Remove film from box and load camera.

Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.

Choose a suitable background for photo.

Mount camera on tripod and focus.

Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.

Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.

Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.

Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.

Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.

Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.

Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.

Put magazines back on coffee table.

Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.

Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.

Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"

Call spouse to clean up mess.

Fix a drink.

Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

Na minutju добавил(а) [date]1169153983[/date]:
и вот еще.... немного поздно, но все же


> Dear Santa,
>
> I've been a good doggy mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and
> cuddled my dogs on demand, visited the Vet's office more than my own
> doctor,
> spend more on their shampoos and conditioners than I do for myself, and
> most
> of the time they are groomed better than I am. I was hoping you could
> spread my list
> out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with a
> black
> marker pen on the back of a dog food receipt in the laundry room between
> cycles of dog bedding, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in
> the near future with puppies coming and dog shows on the he horizon.
>
> Here are my Christmas wishes:
>
> I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple,
> which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze;
> but are strong enough to put my struggling dog into the tub for a bath.
>
> I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere eating dog show food
> and at least three show outfits and some jeans that will zip all
> the way up without the use of lubricants or power tools.
>
> If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like noseprint
> resistant windows, floors that clean themselves, and a refrigerator with
> a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to eat my own
> snacks without having to share them with a pack of barking maniacs.
>
> On the practical side, I could use a battery operated dog that is always
> stacked perfectly and moves to perfection on my command to
> boost my showing confidence, along with at least two bitches who don't
> bump
> each
> other to start a fight.
>
> I could also use a recording of The Dog Whisperer chanting
> "Don't pee in
> the living room" and "Get off of her, she is not in heat"
> because my voice seems to be just out of my dog's hearing range and can
> only be
> heard by the next door neighbors who are at least an acre away.
>
> If it's too late to find any of these things, I'd settle for enough time
> to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of
> eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a
> Styrofoam container at a dog show.
>
> If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to
> brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare a
> doggy
> lock down session? It will clear my conscience immensely when I look at
> those
> miserable little faces. It would be helpful if you could coerce
> my husband and children to help around the house without demanding payment
> as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family because after all,
> this is for MY Dogs!
>
> Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and some of my
> dogs saw my feet under the laundry room door. They think I am eating
> dinner
> in here again and they are missing out on leftovers.
>
> Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the
> door and look
> down so that you don't step into an "accident".
>
> I would have left cookies, but between the dogs and the cat,
> there is no chance that anything other than drool will be left on the
> plate. I left you a Hot Toddy to warm you from the cold, but after a day
> like
> this, I drank it myself.
>
> Yours Always,
> Doggy Mom
>
> P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can
> keep my "doggy kids" in perfect show coats so that they win at the
> shows.